Countdown to...September?

Written January 28th:  Tomorrow is our official deadline from China to receive the dossier.  It's a day that I have really looked forward to.  For me it means that I've done everything I can do at this point and to the best of my ability to complete every document, make every deadline, participate in every interview, fingerprinting, online education, doctor's visit, etc.  You name it and we've done it if it is required in order to adopt a child from a Hague Convention country.

What's the Hague Convention?    As travel has become easier and borders easier to cross, and families multinational, the issues of jurisdiction over child movement has needed advancement.  The Hague Convention is an agreement that has been developed and improved upon over the past century to provide for a country both to protect its children and have jurisdiction over their movement as well as provide common language and pathways for countries to work together on a child or family's behalf.  In the past 25 years there have been three Hague Conventions in order to further improve the convention and its protections for children.

When Marilyn, our dossier specialist, offered me reassurance that it's okay that the delay in the Federal document processing means that our dossier won't quite get there on the 29th but will be there by the 3rd of February, I was relieved.  Apparently the deadline exists so families don't dilly-dally taking months to do their paperwork while a child awaits their adoption.  For families that have been diligent and are actively working through the process, a few days is fine.

Good news is good news.  As you have learned by reading our posts, the next piece of insight into the process often shines light on something previously completely unknown.  After Marilyn let me know that all is well with the dossier and deadline, I asked about the next steps.   I had blocked out my work schedule for May and June in preparation to travel to receive Lulu.

Marilyn quickly walked me through time, basically like this:  mid-Feb. - dossier will be logged in by China.   China gets up to 4 months (now we are in mid-June) to process and review the dossier before we are allowed to pester them.  If approved, we will be sent a formal offer to adopt Lulu, we respond by accepting the offer formally.  Then, it will take 10-14 days for the US Government to process the I-800 in order to determine that Lulu may be adopted by us (both countries have to agree that she is truly free to be adopted and meets the criteria for our approval to adopt), then we wait for the invitation to travel.  It's about August by now on Marilyn's timeline.  We could travel anywhere from 2 to 6 weeks from the invitation to travel depending on the appointment we are given by the US consulate in China.  Most likely, it will be September when we travel.  If something goes more quickly than usual, we could get lucky and travel in August.

Sorry to bog down in the details but "When?" is the most common question we ask ourselves or are asked by loved ones.   There are many opportunities to ask this question of ourselves.  Often I look at an adorable 3 year old girl in my office or at a store and imagine us with our daughter.  The next, I am thinking through the steps I need to take to keep the process moving forward.   I hadn't at all anticipated waiting until September.  June. July.  But not September.   September, huh?

I am trying to keep it positive.  We need to remember that is will still be less than 12 months for the entire process.  Perhaps even 10 months if things go really smoothly.  It's like a gestational period.  Plenty of time to nest, study, prepare, imagine.  There are some wonderful books to read out there on adoption and international adoption.  Additionally, there is time for completing the school year, enjoying the boys, and taking a vacation or two before we prepare for China.  As Sara Smeby says, "it's a paper pregnancy" and also a pregnancy of the spirit and of the imagination.  We can't wait to know her but we can certainly work on ourselves and continue to love life while we are waiting.Single Square Picture: A Korean Adoptee's Search for Her Roots

Layered Cake

I was driving home from PostNet after sending off yet another Fedex envelope and quietly bawling my way through the intersection.  I got home and Dec put his arms AND legs out for a hug and asked, "Mom!  Why are you crying?  I thought something good came."

You see, adoption is like baking a layered cake.  Sure, the baking soda and raw egg and flour don't taste so hot when you dip a finger in and test each ingredient.  They're actually completely disgusting to taste alone.  However, you just know and trust that by the end of a lot of elbow grease, you will have luscious stacks of sweet baked batter glued together with fluffy buttery icing and all covered in a delicious layer of thick frosting topped with some awesome colorful design and even twinkling candles.  Nothing looks more hopeful and celebratory than a fantastic cake.  Wedding cake, birthday cake, anniversary cake, pretty much any homemade cake and I am wishing I were first in line (but politely holding back to be #2 or 3 of course).

So what's up with the metaphor?  Well, nothing seems to go like you'd like it to.  The times when we are desperate to move ahead, something always seems to slow things down.  It's hard to take over and over again.  Four days ago I contacted the federal officer in charge of evaluating us as an adoptive family as she had implied that we were to be approved 3 days prior to that.  When I reached her, she said that for various reasons, it had taken until 4 days ago to get us approved but that we were approved (Yippee!) and she was mailing the document out.

I have waited each day at 2:30 to receive a text from Thom telling me whether it had arrived or not.  I had hoped for Thursday, then Friday.  Each day I read, "Not here yet".  I have never been so interested in our mailbox in my life I think.   So, today, it came.  Woo hoo!  In my heart, I wanted to just be able to celebrate and jump up and down and cry with joy when I read the words. "You have been approved to adopt ONE CHILD from the following Convention country:  The People's Republic of China.  This approval is subject to the following instructions...: A female child from birth to five years of age, with moderate correctable special needs."  Here it is in black and white:  every step we have taken toward being approved has led us to this moment in which our country has officially determined that we are suitable adoptive parents.  I feel like I have a special glittery red stamp across my forehead that says, "APPROVED TO ADOPT!"  along with a big yellow smile face.

But then we noticed the time.  The mail comes between 2:30 and 3:00PM.  The Fedex pick-up is at noon.  We had already missed it.  The latest pick-up in the region was 3:00PM and we had missed that.  There was no way to get the documents to our adoption agency in Utah earlier than Tuesday AM.  I rushed out to get it in motion and to double-check our calculations.  Is there any way to get these papers to Utah on Monday?  No way, no how.  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.  "So what?" you ask.  Why isn't Tuesday the 26th good enough?  Well, our deadline to have the dossier submitted to China is Friday, January 29th.  The papers are all in Utah and ready to go except for this one document.  This document still has to be authenticated and that will take 3 days in the rush process.  Is there any way to find out if our paperwork will make it? Not until Monday.

Do I really think we are in trouble?  No, because I really love cake and I know how to make a tasty one and I know that even if you are just putting the finishing touches on it by the end of the party games, it will still be in enough time to get those candles on and sing the song.  I know somehow that this is going to be okay because I know that I am Lulu's Mama.  I know it deep down in my soul.  I know that it is going to work out and that sometime this Spring or Summer we will be going to get her.

I know that I am even lucky to know who she is and to have an official referral this early in the game (most people have to have the I-800A approval that we just received today before they even get to consider referrals).  As I was driving home from the Fedex pick-up center and realizing that I was scared, I recognized that somehow I just have to hold on to that image of  Lulu's first birthday party with her forever family.  It's going to be this October and I can't wait to see her face when she sees her cake, her candles, her loving family and friends, and that with time and faith, she will know how much we love her.  The paperwork will end someday and the love will be there for all time.  I just know it.

Adoption Penpal or Guardian Angel?

I received the neatest email the other day.  A mom on the East Coast (I think) is adopting her second time from China and found out from our adoption agency that we are on about the same time schedule.  This wonderful woman's name is Shelley M. and she was kind enough to email me twice to get through my spamblocker to let me know that we might be traveling together and that it would be neat to get to know each other before the trip.  It is very common for adoptive families from one agency to travel internationally together.  Also, I understand from Grammy Katie that when one is in a Chinese hotel that westerners frequent, it is common to meet many adopting families.

So, Shelley shared that last year they adopted their 4th child and first adopted child from China.  Their daughter in 2.  Fantastically, when they were in China to adopt their youngest daughter, the family met and recognized a now 12 year old girl- Avery- who will be their 5th child.  Shelley and 12 year old biological daughter will be going to China, likely at the same time as us, to receive Avery (the newest 12 year old).

In multiple emails back and forth over one or two days- Shelley, thanks for being so responsive- she filled me in on the likely timeline for traveling to China.  Everyone asks me all the time when we will be going to China.  We have only our best calculations based on very little information and presuming no snafus and basically as each month goes by, we guess one month past our last guess.  I mean that I used to say, "February or March", early on.  Lately, I have been saying, "May or June".  I was even hopeful enough that that might be correct as we are so far into the process that I blocked out my schedule for that time period in order not to inconvenience others.

After talking by email with Shelley, we now realize that we would be very lucky to be able to travel in June or July and her calculations put us possibly in July or September even.  It is totally a guessing game for both of us and even though I didn't enjoy the reality check, I really appreciated it because it is simply disappointing to have to wait so long to actively be the parent I want to be for Lulu.  It is so hard to know that she has no idea how much we love her and how hard we are working to get to her.  However, I am grateful and relieved that she has a fantastic foster mother who stated in her write-ups how much her foster family loves her.  She is clearly dearly loved and well and safe.  What more can we ask?

I must share how Shelley came to our rescue.  She doesn't even know it yet.  See, the thing about adoption is that so much of it is out of your control that the whole process feels uncomfortable and awkward.  As Americans, we are so accustomed to getting the information we want, when we want it, and having very set timelines for everything.  International adoption just doesn't work that way.  We are working with fabulous social workers, adoption experts, dossier specialists, local jurisdictions, state and federal institutions, and a whole second country.  We are so fortunate to be working with such dedicated and patient people in this process.  We just work hard to follow the instructions, be diligent and organized, and mostly be persistent and patient.

We were booked to fingerprint on Jan. 15th as I said in an earlier post.  We went a week early in order to speed the process.  Shelley shared with me that she had fingerprinted and then not long after, contacted her USCIS officer (didn't even know we had one!) and they were able to tell her that she was approved and would be receiving her USCIS approval in a few days.  I wrote back that I had tried to find some way to reach a human being and couldn't find one.  Shelley confirmed that it was possible and led me to the place to find the number.  I dialed, explained the situation, and they asked whether I would like to speak with MY officer.  Yes Ma'am I would!  The officer said that she had no idea that we had fingerprinted early as we were on her radar screen for the 15th.  As it was the 14th the day she and I spoke, she promised to review my file the next morning.

The next morning, I got a horrible voicemail.  Officer Harrison said that she just needed one more piece of evidence and that we were required to get our Homestudy approved by a huge national agency (Holt) as they had some sort of accreditation for our Homestudy agency.  I called the Homestudy agency to find out what was going on.  Of course our own dossier specialist is out on Fridays but her co-worker who covers her work was in.  Of course this was all happening while I was walking into Quin's school to teach the class's monthly art lesson as their Art Docent.  Needless to say, I made a call, and three different people had to confer in three different states and figured out that there was a templated typo on our Homestudy approval page that had listed Holt International instead of Wasatch Adoptions International.  The folks in Utah and Washington State got it all straightened out by 2PM that day.  Phew!  If I had not known that I could call the USCIS officer and get this error fixed right away, we would have waited likely weeks with forms going back and forth and confusion ensuing and then probably have missed our dossier submission deadline from China.  Instead, we actually had direct communication and an easy fix.  THANK YOU SHELLEY and every one else that fixed things for us that day.

Now what are we waiting for?  Hopefully this means that we will receive our USCIS I-800A approval in the mail this week and we will be officially approved to be an American adoptive family.  When that form comes, it will be immediately overnighted to Wasatch to be sent to China with all of our other documents.  Then we wait for our Log-in-Date (LID).  Shelley is also teaching me the adoption paperwork lingo as it is used by most in our situation.

The essence of all this commentary is that through finding Lulu, I have made a new friend.  Our families will likely meet through traveling to receive our daughters this year.  Additionally, this process is what is and it is lovely to have someone to share it with in addition to our family.

Nana's Cutie-pie Clothes

When the moms of girls at work found out we were "expecting" a toddler girl, they got excited right away. The next day, Nancy brought Lulu a Hello Kitty jean jacket complete with rhinestone decoration and an adorable party dress.  I just love them.  Then, Kayce and Nana got into the act.  Pretty much right away.  They just couldn't help themselves.  Kayce dug into her vast reservoir of vintage items and found the cutest little girl clothes she had.  She also found fancy red and black Robbies and socks that go with all kinds of things.

From Nana:"Kayce took me to Gymboree at Alderwood Mall where we found darling little panda bear outfits in red and black and white.  They even had panda bear socks and a cap that are almost as cute as Lulu herself.  Then of course we had to go to Tar-zhay for several pairs of soft cutie-girl jeans and size seven pink velcro-strapped shoes.  Mama Harp told us that Lulu is used to wearing really really soft clothes as they have been washed a lot so everything passes the softness test as well as cuteness test before coming home from the store.  We just can't seem to go anywhere without finding something adorable for Lulu."

From Mama Harp:   I realize that Lulu will have her own preferences but it helps my nesting instinct to find things for her.  I ordered a fabulous swing coat on Ebay, I ordered basics from Target, and Elane and her girls gave us clothes that they had enjoyed and are in fantastic condition.  I have told my friends that as we have no clothes or toys or anything for a person under 6 years old, we are not too proud to accept pretty much anything that people think we might enjoy.  We had already given away everything for little folks to the younger cousins or charity.  So we are building from the ground up.  It's a lot of fun.  Loads of fun really.  It is so much fun for all of us to prepare for Lulu to be in our lives in person rather than just as a concept of something to come.

A Family Name

When we received the joyful email entitled, "She's Yours!" and completed our pre-approval, one of the things we thought about soon thereafter was how to manage the naming of a three year old child.  She has a name.  She owns her name.  It is part of her.  Plus, our children are all "Lans".   Declan and Quinlan are Irish names that happen to end in Lan.  One of my professors used to ask me, "So how are the Lans?" every week.  Now our daughter comes to us as a Lan.  If that wasn't a sign from God....

Min Lan means "Clever Orchid".  My friend and colleague San-Hwan Chen said that the Chinese character for our Min is one that is usually given to describe a woman who is good at whatever she does, keeps things lovely and in order, and does everything with ease.  Orchid was chosen to denote her beauty as a babe and in the future.  San-Hwan, who is Taiwanese, said that Guilin City, where Min Lan was born is not only known for it's natural beauty but also for being the origin for the most beautiful girls.

One of the joys of parenthood is the ability to choose a name for your child.  It is a way of claiming someone and a way for a child to know that they belong to someone.  It is also part of the preparation for loving someone who belongs to you.  We connote positive memories, or hopes or expectations with names.

In toddler adoption, it can be detrimental to a child to take away their name.  Their sense of identity is attached to this.  For how ever long they have been here, they have thought of that name as being a part of themselves.  I found this information in the adoption attachment literature.  Additionally, the general literature - typically from non-Asian authors- suggests that it is important to keep the child's non-English name as a way to avoid racism or ethnic disassociation.  So, we did all that reading and then thought we should follow the advice and keep Min Lan as her first name.  We worked on ideas for middle names- Min Lan Elaine Harp after my mother, Min Lan Catherine/Katherine Harp after Thom's mother (C) and my girlfriend (K), or Min Lan Vivian Harp after a dear friend and also my childhood violin teacher.

When I went to talk to San-Hwan Chen about our daughter's Chinese name so that she could read the characters and give me both the correct meaning and the intonation, she got her husband involved to see what he thought about her Chinese name.  He let me know that "old" Chinese immigrants have hyphenated names.  Current Taiwanese have hyphenated names.  However, if one looks at Mainland Chinese in the modern day whether living in country or in America, the names are run together (See Zhang Yimou etc).  This discussion brought up the question of what San-Hwan and Leslie thought about the idea of keeping a Chinese name as a first name.  They both felt strongly that it is important to have an anglicized or other given first name and to keep the Chinese as a middle name.  This began a series of discussions with many Chinese American friends and Korean American friends.  Every single one of them hands-down felt that Minlan should be her middle name.  We decided to respect and appreciate the insight and wisdom of our friends who were kind enough to share their own experiences.

So, with a switch to Minlan as a middle name, the whole flow changed.  None of the names we liked as a middle name sounded right as a first name followed by Minlan.  We tried them on one by one, and then we just knew.  My sister Kayce and I grew up knowing our Grandma Pat (Patterson) very well.  We spent a  a few weeks every summer staying with her and Grandpa Pat in California before staying with our maternal grandparents for the month.  Grandma Pat had an older sister who was known to be kind, generous, and a wonderful teacher.  She never married or had kids as she was raised to be a teacher.  Her name was Allurah and Grandma always said she loved her name but didn't like the h at the end.  My sister and I both grew up loving her name and thinking of it as a potential name for a daughter.  Allura Minlan Harp she would be.

Next came nicknames.  Little girls in China area usually called by their second character repeated.  Our daughter might be called Lanlan by her foster mother.  We will likely address her however she wishes as she will certainly have an opinion, but while we are waiting for her, and perhaps in the future, she is Lulu.  Lulu has a forever Mama, forever Daddy, and two forever big brothers who can't wait to welcome her.    Not to mention her grandparents, aunties, uncles, and cousins.

Red Threads

Our dear friends Sara and Joe Smeby sent the most beautiful card to announce the arrival of their daughter Anna Su Shen Smeby a few years ago. Sara, if you don't know her, makes the most amazing, artful, gorgeous cards and she runs a business, Stampin' Up where she designs personal cards (and helps you design them, too). The card for Anna was nothing less than fantastic, and featured a saying:

"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet,
regardless of time, place or circumstance.
The thread may stretch or tangle,
but it will never break."

The red thread is credited to the Chinese matchmaker god Yue Xia Lao and though its origin comes from a marriage story, it's been adopted (pun intended) by the adoption community.

Now, I have another connection to a red thread. When I was a cinematographer, I filmed a documentary in a Buddhist temple in Seattle. We were only the second film crew to be allowed inside. Before we were allowed to film, I was given a red thread necklace and was told that it would bless me as long as I wore it. And true enough, not 6 months later, we conceived Declan.
But I had never heard of the origin of the story and I was very moved by Joe & Sara's card. A year later, when I was doing a rewrite, it occurred to me that the red thread would be a perfect metaphor for the movie I was working on, and I asked Joe and Sara's blessing to include it. The blessings continued; the script won the heart of Justin Chon (from Twilight & New Moon) and he specifically called it out as the thing that made the script magical.

More importantly, we discovered a new red thread: the one that connected us to Lulu.

I've never taken that original red thread necklace off and I never will. It's connected me to all my children, and unless it rots off me, I expect to be buried with it.

Why No Photos of Lulu?

Until we receive Lulu ourselves in China and the Chinese government makes us her forever parents (usually the next day) we cannot publish her photos online at all.  It is for her privacy.  We were lucky to receive her photos from age 4 months and age 2.5 in her referal document set when we first learned about her.  Then, in November, 2009, we received a second set of photos and her latest measurements.  She is growing well and was as of that time, about a 3T in size.  Shoes size 7 (14cm).  It sure made shopping more fun to think that I was actually buying the correct size.  Conveniently, the Hanna Anderson Outlet had a sale the day after we got the measurements and Thom just had to go their to buy new clothes for Dec.  He came home with so many adorable girls clothes for Lulu!  Just precious.  He has been unable to participate in the full joy of a Hanna Anderson sale for so many years that he just couldn't help himself.  He even picked out a fuschia knit cap that he thought she just had to have.  I think we had ourselves convinced for a long time that it was okay to be limited to the boys' section of the store.  Thom would go with Elane and try to talk her into buying cute things for her girls.  Now he has free rein of the whole store and he is having fun!  Good thing it is a tiny place....

Dreams and Worries

I had my first "adoption anxiety" dream last night.  I dreamt that we had arrived in Africa (we are adopting from China) to pink up Lulu and went to the place to meet her.  There were many people there with children.   I was to pick up a child named "Nandu" and when I asked for her I was told that this child next to a woman was that child.  Thate woman, the birth mother, was there with two older sons and one younger daughter.  I was very confused as the child I was handed seemed to be about 5 years old (our daughter is 3) and I could have sworn the child was a boy.  I told the child that since it turned out that he/she had birth siblings and forever siblings, we would keep in contact with the birth family if the child would like.  It took a while to find out that this child was of undetermined gender (remember, this is a dream) and that the name was really "Nandi" and not Nandu and that I was not yet acquainted with the child we were to adopt.  I woke up feeling relieved that I had not been wrong in thinking that something was out of order but also thinking, "But I'm Minlan's mommy.  Where is my little girl?  I need to find HER."

So, post-dream analysis?  We are so close to getting our dossier in to China that we should hopefully be traveling within the next 3-4 months.  It has been such an intense and detailed scramble to get everything together as fast as possible to become adoptive parents and there are so many components that are out of our control, that I must be worried deep down that we won't really get to that magical time when we finally meet and welcome our little girl.  I keep on being hopeful, enjoying each day, nesting a bit by buying clothes in 3T for this year, 4T for next and 5T for later.  I went to Gymboree with my dear friend Elane and even found a few sale items that said, "Lulu" on them.  Also, "Dad's Rock Star."  I think that putting together outfits for now and for later helps me to affirm that there will be a now and a later.

Everything now, it the journey to get the privilege of becoming Allura Minlan's parents.  After the moment we meet her, it will be about how to be her parents and to love her and to help her to love and trust her forever family to truly be there for her.

Fingerprinting Day

Had fabulous Dim Sum at Jade Garden Restaurant in the ID to celebrate being one more big step closer to getting the family to China to receive Lulu.  Thom had been taken there in the past by Tim Louie, owner of Tsue Chong Noodle Company (also in the ID and awesome) for fantastic Dim Sum.  Thanks Tim for a great place to enjoy the idea that we might be on our way to China as early as April if things go smoothly.  Now we wait for our I-800A approval which is for the purpose of the US Government assessing and attesting that we are suitable to be an adoptive family.  It is our last document for the full China Dossier.  There always seems to be one more piece (or 100 more pieces) to this puzzle before we get one tiny step closer to Lulu.

I told the wonderful Marilyn Cypers, our dossier coordinator at Wasatch, that it is really odd to miss someone that you haven't even met yet.  I miss Lulu so much in our lives because I imagine her here already.  I imagine her smile, her glances, her dimples, her running around and seeing what her brothers are up to.  I imagine reading bedtime stories, wiping tears and drippy noses, and laughing with her.  My heart is so full of love for her and we are only one long airline flight away.  Please, Homeland Security, please approve our I-800A and get us one step closer to going.